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WEDDING. I've been planning my wedding. I have decided it's about time I got around to this. And since I have neither marriage prospects nor a burning desire to exchange vows, the freedom of these distractions leaves plenty of free time to go about my planning. They say planning a wedding is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, next to assuming power of attorney over your parents and forcing them into separate, but equally disreputable nursing homes against their will. That's why I wanted to get a running start, just like I did with committing my parents. I heartily endorse the institution of marriage. Not because I believe in the legal binding of two human beings -- I find that unsettling and, at times, repellant -- but because I love theater, and weddings make good theater. Eschewing marriage, living together in a "partnership" for 25 years, and perhaps adopting a couple of Vietnamese kids (to be named Zelda and Holden, like all adopted Vietnamese children) is certainly appealing but it lacks the dramatic punch of an epic, Dionysian wedding. And a wedding certainly wouldn't be epic without an extended wedding procession. Having attended a few weddings myself (sometimes as an invited guest!), the procession is the single strangest moment in the ceremony. As a guest you are required to crane your neck uncomfortably toward the back of the room as the bride, groom and attendants follow their rehearsed, lopsided paces past you. It is required that you crane your neck during the entire procession lest you miss a moment of the bride's glorious entrance. Tension is created and mounted as you wait obediently for the payoff. (The tension does pay off, too. When my sister was getting married, and pushed her way through the entrance during the procession, I was floored. She really did look heavenly. Not just her regular pretty self, but a sort of transcendant beauty. I have had similar revelations at other weddings, where women who never drew my eye suddenly became unearthly fairies and cherubs and Weeble-Wobbles and such.) If you have everyone's undivided attention, why not use this opportunity to create some real suspense and entertainment? Most processions last from about a minute (cheap!) to 20 minutes (Royal!). I would like a 45 minute procession. Just keep it coming. Give the audience plenty to look at. In addition to the bridesmaids and groomsbutlers(?), my wedding procession will include (but is not limited to) the following:
This would go on and on. Something for everyone. Perhaps even a few red herring brides. Maybe someone in a bride's dress and veil. When she approaches the front of the room, she lifts the veil to reveal that it's actually retired game show host Peter Marshall. It would really make the bride's entrance something special. Other wedding highlights? Here's the short list: When the priest/rabbi/judge/6-foot rabbit runs me through my vows, at the precise moment I say, "I do", 50 teenaged girls (planted ahead of time in the front two rows of the room, right in front of my immediate family) will stand up at once and scream, "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" They will cry loudly, rend clothing, etc. and then resume their places. ***** Randomly chosen guests at the ceremony will be given and instructed to hold up giant signs that read "Austin 3:16" and "Schenectady Loves ESPN!!!" ***** The wedding band will be either Yo La Tengo or The (reunited) Feelies as The Willies. In either case, the bands will be instructed to act like a proper wedding band and play only covers of traditional wedding songs: "Celebration", "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights", "Iron Man". ***** The meal will be an exact replica of the meal served in the Peanuts special, "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving", including jellybeans. ***** Table centerpieces will include false moustaches, snapping gum, collapsable magic wands, ugly bags and little plastic cigarette-smoking dogs. ***** Baskets of peanuts on every table (you can throw the shells on the floor!) and Mighty Mouse cartoons playing in a loop behind the band. ***** A giant flaming sterno can at the edge of the dance floor for roasting s'mores. ***** A wedding like that would make all the nagging complications associated with the institution a little more bearable. We all have the right to throw a party, but most of us forget how. That's why I have to start planning now. Unfortunately, the details of a wedding this grand tend to alienate potential bride applicants. That is, however, a small detail I am willing to work out. Just as soon as I finish the press kit.
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