ROCK FANS.

I go to rock shows and yes, I do rock the party that rocks the body. That's common sense. Last night I suffered every stock rock miscreant. You probably know what I mean here. There are certain guarantees at every live show in every ramshackle, drinking-wristband-at-the-door club in the world (speaking of which, I woke up with last night's outpatient-style wristband still secured around my massive wrist and thought it would be entertaining to write "NARCOTICS OVERDOSE" across it before I left the apartment for a job meeting today). Here are the characters who tried to ruin the show:

MAKEOUT COUPLE
The Makeout Couple loves each other deeply, no matter where they are. Every band in the universe causes the Makeout Couple to reflect on their mutual adoration -- there is no genre or subgenre of music that is not romantic to these kids. Better still, the level of their affection is usually unrestricted by crowds, public lewdness ordinances, etc. Nothing unlocks the fairytale sweetness of bands like Unsane and Atari Teenage Riot like being wedged behind the Makeout Couple.

KARAOKE JOHNNY
Some people know all the words to every song of every band they've ever seen live. to test this power of retention, Karaoke Johnny will gladly sing along with the band (or, better still, one beat before -- so we know he ain't faking). This helpful service ensures that all others attending the concert know 2 important things: 1) KJ really likes this band, probably more than you do, and 2) sadly, KJ has never been a band of his own. Stuck on a lyric that the band just sang? Ask Karaoke Johnny -- he's probably standing directly behind you.

MISTER SMOKE
There's no better place to light your cigarette up than when your crammed into a small, unventilated space with 800 of your best friends. I don't smoke, and I don't mind smoking -- I think it's pretty cool, in fact. And Mister Smoke knows this too. That's why he doesn't ask you if it's cool that he's smoking some all-natural American Spirits within inches of your face. Yay for Mister Smoke -- a real american classic. (by the way, nothing highlights the flaws in your face more than lighting up a cigarette in an otherwise dim-dark room. it's like sharing a quick diagram of your pores with everyone else.)

GLANDULAR FREAK WITH GIANTISM
It's not so much their appearance as their placement in the crowd. Usually it's in front of your undersized girlfriend. Giants are friendly but not always smart.

PULCINELLA
Usually precocious, always entertaining, Pulcinella is a cunning child, capable of avoiding danger by cleverly diverting the wrath of his superiors. He is wont to play a prank or two on his elders as he clamors for power in an adult's world, vying with peers Brighella, Columbina, and Arlecchino. Oh, Pulcinella, you inimitable rogue!