|
|
REJECTION LETTERS. I had a nice time recently. I had the opportunity to read some of my writing to a paying (and paying attention) audience. I've read out in public before, now and again, mostly on subways or from the inside of dumpsters, but this time was important to me for reasons that could only be explained in a proper diary, which this is not. (I like you plenty, but do you really think I'd let you read my personal diary? I mean, honestly: who would do that?) The reading was something I'd pictured in my head for a while, with a spectrum of imagined results, ranging from being french-kissed by a literary/film/television agent to wetting myself 5 seconds prior to hitting the stage. Turns out I got really drunk beforehand, tried to french-kiss a production assistant on Daddy-O, then wet myself 5 seconds after hitting the stage, so it seems all of my neuroses were unfounded after all. A lot of friendly faces attended, obscuring my view of all the hostile faces. And I pronounced everything clearly and correctly. (Unlike a recent reading, during which I pronounced misanthropy like this: "miss-en-THROW-pee." This is, unfortunately, 100% true.) I haven't felt that good about my writing in a while, actually. I even carried a tape recorder to capture the entire event for posterity and for downloading at tremble. And then I forgot to hit 'record'. (Did I mention that I was a bit nervous?) In lieu of that, here is the first half of what I read at Luna's 'Eating It' series on Monday night, Feb. 12th. The second half of my reading was a piece I've already published on tremble, although I basically re-wrote it from scratch for the performance. And, as an online-only bonus, I've included additional pieces that were written for this part of the performance but weren't read, for reasons of forced brevity or inferior quality. Or were they? As it sort of begs for a proper title, I would like to call it, tentatively: REJECTION LETTERS FROM VARIOUS PUBLISHERS IN RESPONSE TO WRITTEN SOLICTIONS FROM ME REGARDING THE PROCUREMENT OF FREELANCE WRITING WORK AND/OR PUBLICATION OF PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN MATERIALS OR, "THE DAEDELUS PROJECT" ***** (from READER'S DIGEST) We are returning the "campus crack-ups" you recently submitted for our consideration. We have considered them - we consider them poor. Your story about the freshman student who discovers his roommate has been tranquilizing him with Ether gas each night to have sex with him doesn't really fit our definition of "crack-up." Moreover, I question the originality of your story. I mean, the incident you described totally happened at my school - except it was nitrous oxide instead of Ether. (a duplicate of this letter was sent to me, in large-print format) ***** Thank you for proposal but we have no immediate plans to institute a monthly horoscope column in SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN. It's just not our thing. Perhaps your suggestion would be more suitable in another publication, such as TIGER BEAT or THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE. (at this point, the editor or copy assistant went into great lengths detailing the publishing mission of SCI AM, including buzzwords such as "recombinant genetics", "string theory", and "gnome clothes." then the tone of the letter changes significantly:) Oh my goodness. It seems we've mis-read your letter. You were not proposing traditional horoscopes - you were proposing 'horror-scopes.' Sounds spooky. Still, not really for us what with our dedication to the pursuit of the rational, but please do not give up the 'ghost' ; ). ***** (this letter was directly from the editor of MODERN CAVEMAN U.K.)
Me hate!
***** (from the UTNE READER, after sending them over
15 pieces of fiction and one piece of creative non-fiction. i've
excised most of the letter, which contained detailed advice for
future submissions, but i've kept a particularly salient point
that was made in this letter, and one that has been most helpful
for me.) ...not sure whether your choice was for purposes of personal style or actual content, but it is advisable that for future submission you make a more serious effort to end fewer of your stories with "TA-DA!" ***** We appreciate your enthusiasm about MAD MAGAZINE - the 9 months worth of completed Mad Fold-Ins, Xeroxed and clipped with a note that read "See? I totally get it!!" was an act that was both generous and completely unnecesary. However, we cannot accept your submission, no matter how fully storyboarded it was. (again, unnecessary) A parody of One Day in September, the documentary about the hostage crisis at the 1972 Olympic Games in Munich, entitled, "One Day In Schleptember" is in rather poor taste, don't you think? In fact, this marks the first time in the history of MAD that something has been rejected based solely on its questionable taste. P.S. "The Lighter Side of Spinal Menengitis"? For shame, Mr. Levin. For shame. ***** This article contains almost zero monkey poop. We're sorry, but our hands are tied. Sincerely, Walt Grisham ***** (from TV GUIDE) Mr. Levin, Jeers to your grammatically sloppy, profanity-laced profile of Seventh Heaven. And Cheers...is televised weeknights at 11:30pm on Channel 9, WUPN.
 |
