HEMP.

Hi! Welcome to tremble. Did you know this site is made 100% of hemp? Did you also know that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Jefferson Airplane (not Starship) were all hobbyist hemp farmers? Washington even had false teeth made of hemp. How can that be?!

Well it just can! Hemp is an extraordinary resource. 300 times stronger than cotton, cheaper to grow than millet or orzo, self-cleaning, and loaded with riboflavin, hemp has been referred to as "our key to the past and our cherry ride to the future [man]." (I can't remember exactly who said all this but he was right on the money.) Hemp fights cancer and hemp powered the Jarvic artificial heart and hemp breathes an extraordinary life into even the most flaccid and uninspired laser light shows.

Have you ever had anyone tell you that their clothing/rope/gravy is made of hemp? Did you care? Me neither, but that's not stopping anyone. You see, people love their hemp and they can't help sharing. Hemp berets are surprsingly comfortable!

There is a diner I used to frequent next to the world famous Irving Plaza concert hall. They used to mix it up well at this diner, combining healthy Thai influenced dishes with sloppy, high-carb comfort food. (meat loaf, meat wick, meat log, meat slab, meat pile, etc.) However, sometime during an extended personal sabbatical, someone at this diner lost his or her mind and nothing was the same again.

About six months ago I decided to stop at the diner before a Willie Tyler and Lester show at Irving Plaza, hoping to grab a quick plate of meat stump. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the menu had changed radically since my last visit. Gone were the comfort foods I regularly ordered and many of the other healthy dishes I enjoyed watching other, more dignified people eat. And in their place was a new, all-hemp menu. Hemp pasta and soup and cake and more. It was horrifying, like a practical joke or an unplanned trip to Wavy Gravy's farmhouse.

Additionally, the menu featured a full store of non-perishable hemp-laced products. Hats and t-shirts and drawstring pants and shampoo and glue traps and monacles and giant tin tubs filled with tri-flavored hemp popcorn. It didn't seem normal - it seemed n.o.r.m.a.l.

I can usually tell when someone is using a hemp product. Generally, it looks like a burlap sack with pockets or smells like a damp roach. And hemp consumers (There is no hemp customer who owns only one hemp product; it is a committed lifestyle choice, like Amway, and demands continued material expansion.) never ever ever say what you know they're dying to say: "these pants will get your ass high as a motherfucker, son." That is implied in the enthusiasm but to state it is a serious breach of etiquette.

Keep your hemp. And keep your hemp pamphlets and poorly organized rallies. It's embarrassing everyone else. I'm going to make a giant sign that reads, "KEEP YOUR HEMP OFF MY BODY" and stick it on the back of my hand-hewn lysergic acid sweatshirt. And I'm going to jog around N.O.R.M.A.L. activists a bunch of times, until everyone sees my sign and I've worked up a nice sweat. And then, when the sweatshirt kicks in, I'll probably slip into a small coma. And I'll look fantastic.