THESE PIECES ARE LONGER THAN THOSE.

I've hand-selected some older pieces from the tremble archives. If you think I've made any egregious oversights resulting in your favorite story gone missing, let me know and I'll see what I can do.

HOW TO ACCESSORIZE FOR LONELINESS.
"exchanging money for Chapstick or some batteries for a transistor radio is a reminder that they're in touch with people, with the world."

HOW TO TALK TO DOGS.
"No, I didn't pick this sweater out myself."

HOW TO ENJOY LIVE ROCK MUSIC.
"Yay for Mister Smoke -- a real american classic."

HOW TO LOSE A BIRD.
"there is very little repetition here; change is like oxygen. makes you appreciate your neighbors -- even the schizophrenic ones who pee in your elevator."

HOW TO DEAL WITH GHOST TROUBLES.
"I just figured, since I don't have a corporeal body, I really shouldn't be paying quite as much for heat and hot water. I hope you'll understand. By the way, I made profiterole -- help yourself!"

HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING.
"They say planning a wedding is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, next to assuming power of attorney over your parents and forcing them into separate, but equally disreputable nursing homes against their will."

HOW TO LIVE THROUGH RUSH HOUR..
"'Biggest fucking rat I ever saw.'"

HOW TO SUCCEED WITH A CAREER IN ADVERTISING.
"(A rhesus monkey with a pile of his own feces in one hand and your product in the other, not sure which one he wants to throw more.)"

HOW TO EVALUATE THE SENTIMENTAL WORTH OF WATER FOUNTAINS.
"People truly lived like savages before the advent of stainless steel water fountains."

HOW TO BUILD WITH HEMP.
"Hemp fights cancer and hemp powered the Jarvic artificial heart and hemp breathes an extraordinary life into even the most flaccid and uninspired laser light shows."

HOW TO AVOID TROUBLE.
"The year before it was the Grand Canyon and some unpleasant words exchanged with a Sioux Indian death squad in the parking lot of a roadside T.J. Cinnabon's."

HOW TO OUTWIT STRANGERS.
"As I approached the laundromat, my mind wandered. I was thinking about the repairs I needed to make on my cigarette boat if I were to take it out safely this weekend."

HOW TO CELEBRATE YOUR MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.
"There was always an air of 'that's it?' in her response. Or maybe it was the way she'd actually say, 'that's it?' that created that particular air. Either way, there was an air."

HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR DREAMS, PART I.
"You look sad. Why don't I bring you a copy of 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.' It's an excellent book and a can-do appetizer!"

HOW TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH JEWS.
"Together, we were the paragon of our Jewish ethnic culture. The two of them argued incessantly, while I remained on Tickets and Junior Mints duty."

HOW TO PICK THE PONIES.
"I was adorable, and I always went home with a dollar and delight in the knowledge that I was a risk-shy fattie."

HOW TO GET REJECTED BY SKILLED PROFESSIONALS.
"'The Lighter Side of Spinal Menengitis?' For shame, Mr. Levin. For shame."

HOW TO TURN 30.
"And, harder to explain, even to a licensed professional, you are afraid you check your reflection because you think you stopped existing approximately four years ago."

HOW TO ENJOY BURNING MAN.
"With a new leader in charge of Burning Man activities this year, expectations were high. Did he deliver? Well, in the words of Silkk The Shocker, 'Yeah, we bring it like two tons of dick meat.'"

HOW TO SPEAK A LOT AND KNOW ONLY A LITTLE.
"After meat, dinner guests are presented with course number three – root vegetables. Usually, a photograph of carrots or beets will suffice. When presented with the photograph the guest may proclaim, 'lovely', as is customary, then douse the image in kerosene, ignite it on a clean dinner plate and, once its ashes are removed from the table, doughnuts are served."

HOW TO EAT IT.
"Not sure where to look, and unable to see a single person before him for reference, Levin did the next best thing: he trained his head directly at the floor, looking up only occasionally, whenever he was low on oxygen. The microphone itself presented unresolved problems for the reader."

HOW TO LIVE COMFORTABLY WITH RACISM IN YOUR FAMILY.
"The lenses of her glasses were so thick the average person could slip them on and see atoms smashing on the surface of objects..."

HOW TO OBSESS.
" It's probably a misplaced feeling, but I became very sentimental when someone would say 'Oh! I saw this documentary on pinheads and thought of you!'"

HOW TO REMAIN HIDDEN.
"On Saturday I sat down to make a list. Making a list is kind of like shorthand for having a nervous breakdown."

HOW TO DEAL WITH DANGEROUS CANINES THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
"Then one day the Dobermans disappeared."

HOW TO BEFRIEND THE HOMELESS.
"She had just moved here a few weeks before being struck in the head with a brick by a shrieking homeless man and, when asked about her feelings toward New York, she replied, 'I still love this city and I never want to leave!' Then she lapsed into a violent seizure, and a miniature replica of the Statue of Liberty was shoved in her mouth to prevent her from swallowing her tongue."

HOW TO SEE BROOKLYN.
"Sure, this memory is entirely false, and if you closed your eyes even harder concentrated for a moment you would remember the real smells of your home kitchen - burned Pam no-stick spray and frostbitten Eggos - but that is neither here nor there. "

HOW TO DISTINGUISH THE REAL FROM THE 'REAL.'
"So the proprietors are happy enough, even if it means having to hear Patsy Cline's "crazy" about 40 times a night. "

HOW TO APPRECIATE OTHER CULTURES' CUISINE.
"Since natto has so many medicinal and health advantages, one might wonder why it isn't more popular. Why, in fact, isn't natto eaten with every meal, regardless of national borders? Simple: natto tastes like dog shit. "

HOW TO SURVIVE AFTER THE BUBBLE BURSTS.
"Pool balls cracked, co-workers pressed each other into nooks for their first inappropriately timed kiss. "

HOW TO DIVIDE THE TERRITORIES WITH AN EYE TOWARD RACISM.
"Recently, as an experiment, I placed a map of the United States of America in front of my racist aunt, and asked her to tell me what she made of it. "

HOW TO REMEMBER.
"The most horribly funny things would spill out of her but she always managed to temper her acute profanity by chasing it off with a look of total Midwest shock, a mischievous giggle laced with menthol rasp, or a censorial hand to her mouth. As I said, people who knew this minister's daughter loved her."

HOW TO PLAN A PUNK ROCK HALLOWEEN.
"Melrose was infamous. This two-block long strip of residential property in an affluent section of Albany would become transformed, once a year on Halloween, into Ground Zero for unspeakable and unlegislated acts of adolescent chaos. After each Halloween at Melrose, a new and horrible legend was born. Some kid got his teeth knocked out with a can of shaving cream. Another girl lost her eyebrows. A gang from one of the outlying suburbs descended on the street, armed with Molotov Cocktails. Last year there were fire trucks. A S.W.A.T. van. Dobermans. Piranhas."