I attended all of the shows, with my Persian cat tucked under my arm, and I can definitively say these are my least favorite trends from this season's fashion week in NYC:

FLOP-FLIPS
Apparently, these are flip-flops that are meant to be worn on the wrong feet. Does that even make sense???

RAW SILK AND LEATHER 'KICK ME' SIGNS
Listen, I appreciate the return to rough-hewn fabrics. But who is going to pay $500 and up to wear a safety-pinned "Kick Me" sign on their backs, even if that sign is fabricated from beautiful imported materials? Stupid!

LADLE OF WARM CHILI
Let me get this straight—all over Milan right now, woman are carrying elegant, curve-handled stainless steel ladles filled with a scoop of lukewarm venison chili? Why? (I know, I know—if you have to ask why, what's the point?) But seriously––WHY?

'FUNNY FACE' STOMACH HENNA TATTOOS PAIRED WITH OVERSIZED, FULL TORSO CONCEALING TOP HATS
OK, this one sounds kind of fun. Kudos, haute couture. Look forward to seeing some of these in the spring.

GRAFFITI-COVERED COLOSTOMY BAGS
You are going to upset a lot of people with this one. Some people need colostomy bags to live! (Larry King) Expect some angry letters from people whose colons have been removed. I'm just saying.

MINI SKIRTS CONSTRUCTED OF ANGRY, IMPASSIONED LETTERS FROM RECTAL CANCER SURVIVORS SEWN TOGETHER AS PATCHWORK
Oh, I guess you're one step ahead of the game. Congratulations! (Yes, that was meant to be sarcastic, you dicks.)

VAGINAL FORTUNES
Are you serious, world of fashion?? You mean to tell me that you want women to vaginally insert small, water soluble capsules containing rolled up pieces of paper with bits of everyday wisdom written on them. Who wants this? Really!

PLASTIC DRACULA TEETH
Come on! Are you kidding me?