To clarify a few things, regarding my t-shirts:

1. Yes, The Mustache Rides are FREE.
This seems a silly point to emphasize, but I cannot tell you how many people have approached me asking if that price is correct. No, ladies and gentlemen, your eyes do not deceive you and I am not merely being "ironic." The mustache rides are 100% gratis.

I know you've probably seen t-shirts promoting similar mustache rides for the price of 25 cents, and possibly even t-shirts advertising mustache rides for a mere nickel, surely both competitive prices for this type of service. But I'm doing you one better: if you make an appointment right now, you can walk away from your mustache ride without ever reaching into your purse. The only payment I seek is your gratitude, which you can pay with a polite "thank you," or the simple gesture of a smile.

For those of you who are worried my mustache rides are somehow less "genuine" than those offered by my competitors, I can assure you there is nothing further from the truth. At this price, you can afford to see for yourself. I think you'll find my free mustache rides are of a comparable quality with 5-cent and even 25-cent mustache rides. If you disagree, you can have your money back! (Wink! Of course you can't have your money back because, as the t-shirt indicates, the mustache ride is free.)

2. When you say potato, and I say FUCK YOU, I seriously mean it.
With apologies to Idaho, I have had enough of people saying "potato." I don't care how you pronounce it. I'm not messing around anymore. Seriously, fuck you. That's what I say when you say potato because, really, fuck you, you potato-sayer, for saying potato in the first place. Guys, the t-shirt says it all.

You might think that's a pretty radical response to someone who is just saying potato without any specific mention of inflection or attitude but, you know what? It's my decision, just as it's my decision to state my saying-potato one-part response system right on my t-shirt. (That one part? Me saying "fuck you.") This shirt was a lucky find, because it saves me the breath of saying fuck you every time I hear the word potato. Now, I simply drop my head a bit, give that "oh, really" look, and point to the shirt. The shirt that says fuck you to those of you who have said, or are planning to say, potato.

3. Contrary to appearances, I've never been to Kenya.
This is sort of embarrassing. I've had this conversation many, many times and it never gets any easier. Yes, I see that quizzical look in your eyes as you point to my t-shirt but, no, I've never actually been to Kenya. I just like shirts. I'm not even sure what this one means, honestly.

While we're at it, and before you ask, I've also never been to South Korea or Amsterdam or Utah or a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Honestly, I'm not even sure who Lynyrd Skynyrd is—I think they were a country band. I can't say I like them, but I do like skulls and, as I mentioned earlier, I love shirts. Now leave me alone, please. Or didn't you read my shirt? It says, "OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES. GET YOURS OUT OF MY FACE." Words to live by.

4. I'm just now re-evaluating my position re: potato=fuck you.
Some of you were right to suggest it might be a disproportionate response, at best. I'm going to keep the t-shirt, anyway; I'm just going to hold off wearing it for a while until I get my head straight on this issue.