You guys have reached a whole new level of religious aggression. Was it really necessary to try and pull my bike over on the jogging loop in Prospect Park? How were you able to identify a Jew on the run like that? I actually would have put on tefillen with you if you'd put in the extra effort to chase my bike until you caught up with me. In the future, you should choose a different beat. Something where citizens are moving at a slower pace. Like lap swim at the JCC.

I want this to be easier for you. I really do. I consider myself an idea man (last night's idea: dinner plates with magnetic strips around the edge so forks and knives don't slide off while you're transporting them from the table to the kitchen. bam!) and I've got an idea for you: licorice tefillen. disposable, fun, delicious. Jewish kids get to wear it and spend the rest of the day eating a sweet candy sign upon their hands and flavored symbol before their eyes. And all the while they're reminded of how great this religion is, because what other religion combines noisemakers (shofars) and candy? It could be like every day is a birthday party in the Jewish religion. And who doesn't like a birthday party? I'll tell you who: jerk-asses.