Are you like me, in that you practically lose your mind counting the interminable days between the release of Kevin Smith films? If so, you probably know Silent Bob (a.k.a. Kevin Smith) will be releasing his eighth film later this year. It's called Zack and Miri Make a Porno and it sounds positively Smith-riffic. Check out the plot synopsis from IMDB:

Lifelong platonic friends Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) look to solve their respective cashflow problems by making an adult film together. As the cameras roll, however, the duo begin to sense that they may have more feelings for each other than they previously thought.

I can totally see that happening between lifelong platonic friends!!

Anyway, the movie's release date is still a while off (Hollywood is such a cocksmoker!)
but that hasn't stopped me from keeping up with the production details at The View Askewniverse, listening to Smith's weekly SMODCAST (it's a podcast but funnier!), and reading "My Boring Ass Life"—K-Rock's online diary. (It is not a blog!) Still, I've got such a Smith Itch and it seemed like nothing could scratch it until today, when Lunchbox totally outdid himself.

He posted a video featuring the whole cast of Z&M singing a very NSFW song called "I'm F*CKING SETH ROGEN." It's off the hook! I won't give the whole thing away but let me just say this—Elizabeth Banks has quite a mouth on her! Not only did the lyrics have me LMNO (Laughing My Nugs Off), it's actually a really good song, too. It scans well! All I'm sayign is, if Zack and Miri is even 1/10th as dirty or original as this outrageous comedy song, it is going to go down in the Kevin Smith Hall of Smame. Snoogie Boogies! (P.S. congrats to QuickStop Entertainment on grabbing that exclusive. I hadn't heard of this web content site but I am guessing they are psyched that they've found their "The Landlord.")

UPDATE: A few people have emailed me to tell me there are a few other videos floating around the Internet, made by Jimmy Kimball and his lifelong platonic friend, Sarah Silverman (yeah, right!) -- one is called "I'm F*cking Matt Damon" and the other is called "I'm F*cking Ben Affleck." (I won't even bother linking them here because I'm sure they'll get pulled down with Kevin finds out about them.) Just to show I'm not a hater I checked out those videos and, no lie, they're pretty funny. But I gotta say it's a little lame that Jimmy Kimball had to rip off Kevin Smith just to grab some publicity. Whatever. I think most people will see it and agree that, like most things, the original version is the best. (The exception to that rule being Clerks II, of course.) Hey Kimball—maybe you should leave comedy to the professionals. Just saying.

Dear American Airlines,

Not everybody loves Raymond, so please cut the shit.

I have never seen this show anywhere but on American Airline flights and, based only on my personal experience, I guess each episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is about four and a half hours long. There is just no other way to explain falling asleep to the sound of Peter Boyle screaming at Ray Romano and then waking up hours later, in another global hemisphere, to the sound of Ray Romano ordering Peter Boyle out of his kitchen nook.

While in Argentina, a lot of nice things have happened. We trekked on a glacier, ate like decadent pigs, bottle-fed a baby lamb, and saw a dead pony. We also got engaged. I decided, instead of posting a picture of a hand flashing a ring (hers was made of ribbon candy, for now) I would post this picture instead, because I suspect the way this picture makes you feel is similar to the way I feel about spending the rest of my life with Lisa.

In Argentina for 10 days. Good to know they're getting the best America has to offer.

Don't forget today is also Pom Tuesday:

This is a Missy Elliott Exclusive. In 3-D. I'm so glad she's back, and that someone's finally taking shit seriously.

Several friends recommended 3:10 to Yuma and I kept meaning to see it, but wasn't completely convinced until I read this pullquote from a review of the film in InStyle Magazine.

"Russell Crowe and Christian Bale in leather chaps and six-shooters? Um, hellooooo! Give me one ticket for the 3:10 to Yummy!"

And no, I will never, ever stop doing that.

Man, did I ever go out of my with that post title. My point is, part 2 in a series of essays on my life in video games is available now, at The Morning News. The latest installment of the 'Consoles I Have Known' series is titled 'The Most Competitive Man Alive'. It even has an audio-only section, for extra-fanciness.

One day, I shall rule the nerds.