Product Reviewed: "Git-R-Done (Hardcover)" - by Larry The Cable Guy
Reviewer: Travis L. Galliher (Bel Air, Maryland)
[source review available online.]

Galliher at his craziest!, 11/9/2005
In his review of Larry The Cable Guy's literary debut, GIT-R-DONE, Travis Galliher dispenses with subtleties and carefully-measured words by offering this opening gambit: "Never in my life have I read a book as funny and entertaing as this one." This statement, and all of the legitimacy it presents to readers curious to digest the remainder of the review, would have benefitted from a bit of editing. Galliher could have made his point more succinctly, simply by stating, "Never in my life have I read a book." Upon visiting the library trailer that is no doubt hitched to Galliher's double-wide home, what other less funny and entertaining titles would one find crowding the shelves of his particle-board "book hutch?" T.J. Hooker:  The Novelization? Nightcrawlers: A Life? Chicken Soup for the Backyard Wrestling Soul?

But Travis does not stop there, and why should he? As further evidence of the merits of GIT-R-DONE, Galliher confesses he was "written up" at work for laughing too hard while reading this book. Where does Galliher work, I wonder, that laughing loudly would be seen as an act of insubordination? My first instinct would be that Galliher works at a library but that's insane because presumes there would be a library, somewhere, that stocks Larry the Cable Guy's GIT-R-DONE. A more likely scenario is that Galliher was not written up for laughing too loud, but because reading not allowed on the killing floor. OSHA regulations require that you keep both hands free to swing your stun hammer.

Galliher's prose style is assured – he makes his points quickly and neatly – but his narrative quickly disintegrates into blunt repetition. It's as if Galliher keeps discovering new, more colorful ways to express his admiration for the literature of Larry the Cable Guy – first describing it as "the finest book" he's ever read, and later comparing it to the New Testament as essential reading, then suggesting Larry the Cable Guy is "Presidential" – but lacks the discipline to pare away his initial findings. What we're left with is a confusing message. Is GIT-R-DONE a work of humor? Is it a religious text? Or is GIT-R-DONE a polemic filled with ideas that won't be understood by people who are (in Galliher's words) "easily offended by politics, racial comments (in a non-rascist form), or plain ole' humor?"

Or, more to the point, is GIT-R-DONE just another piece of shit smooshed between two hard covers, and flecked with kernels of dried-up stand up comedy that most people who will own this book have already invested at least $50 to $200 to hear live, over and over and over again? The answer to that question is moot, probably, because the more important question is, what does Travis L. Galliher have against reading? And the answer: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIT OUT FROM MY ROCK GARDEN AFORE I SHOOT YER ASS DEAD WHAT IS WITHIN MY LEGAL CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS!

If there is any question that Galliher is an unreliable narrator, look no further than his earlier review, for the latest Martina McBride album, which he bestows with five stars (just like GIT-R-DONE) and calls, "a wonderful surprise" and, unsolicited, offers, "if she ever makes a Hip-Hop album, I'll be the first in line to buy it." Galliher has published a total of two reviews, and both have been awarded an untempered FIVE STARS. He has proven, if nothing else, he is a passionate man who chews SKOAL Bandits and appreciates laughing his (vestigial?) tail off. Unfortunately, he has proven nothing else.

ADDENDUM, 12/2/05: Mr. Galliher contacted me, to clear up a few of my jackass misconceptions about his background and hobbies. I am printing his email in its entirety, out of fairness and because I really think Travis Galliher is a good sport. (In fact, I give him **** 1/2. That's half a star less than he's going to give the sequel to GIT-R-DONE!, GIT-R-DONE TWO: KEEP GITTIN'-R-TILL-SHE'S-GOT!)

I just wanted to correct you on a couple things regarding my review of Larry the Cable Guy's book "Git-R-Done", first, I chew Skoal LONG CUT, apple blend to be exact, my "double wide" never had wheels, and in fact, I have read several books regarding Stock Car racing, the American Civil War, and firefighting techniques. As far as your assuption of my employment status, I am currently a dispatcher for one of the busiest and well respected police departments in the nation. Just wanted to clarify some things you wrote in your column. Thanks for choosing my review and I enjoyed your review of it. Keep up the good work!