Gossip! Gossip! We want gossip!

REGARDING THE CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED FOX DRAMA, 'PRISON BREAK'
Great premise, burning question: why hasn't this guy been raped yet? I want to be clear – I do not advocate rape, in any situation. However, one of the realities of prison is that guys get raped. A lot. Ugly guys, too. And this guy is decidedly not ugly. It is not hard to see that Michael Scofield has a very pretty face, plus he's the new fish in the joint. Everyone seems to be acutely aware of his presence, but these crazy convicts just seem to keep missing the boat vis a vis raping his face.

Prison Break seems to be operating under the misguided assumption that a long backstory or complicated chain of events is required in order to justify a prison rape, and that the rape must be preceeded by a very thoughtful monologue in which the rapist makes many cleverly-veiled allusions to an impending rape, sprinkling his speech with expressions like "let's get to the lovin'" and "I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of this" and "you're about to ride the R Train, and it's making all local stops – destination Your Heinie-hole, U.S.A." The truth is, prison rape tends to unfold more organically. And this guy – let's face it – should have been raped 45 seconds into Episode One. (While I do think this oversight required a lot of restraint on the part of the writers and producers, I take solace in the fact that right now, in the Prison Break writers' room, someone might be looking at a large episode grid hanging from the wall, and trying to find a place in the narrative arc for episode 4 or 5 where he can pin a small index card printed with the words "Scofield Rape Scene.")

REGARDING NEW DIET COKE® WITH SPLENDA®
I have heard some disparaging comments made about this beverage but now, having actually tasted it myself, I can safely say Diet Coke with Splenda should be called "Diet Awesome with Fuck Yes!!"

REGARDING MY NEW VIDEO CAMERA
I recently came into some money, for a freelance assignment. (Thank you, American Bear magazine) As with all money I receive unexpectedly, I spent it immediately. I consider this progress, as I never used to wait for the check. Instead, I would purchases in anticipation of what I called "bonus" income – impending money that was outside of my expected salary, such as a writing assignment or a $15 check from my grandmother.

I have been obsessing over this particular purchase, researching various online sites, reading message boards, watching tutorials long before the camera ever landed in my greedy hands. And now that it's here, I'm terribly frightened of it. You see, while I was waiting for it to arrive all I could think about were the wonderful short films I'd make, one after another. And how I'd have loads of time to work on them, in between doing stand-up, readings, a monthly show, a movie project, a TV project, and a book I've left languishing in a state of 75% completion longer than I care to think about. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I hope you like cat videos, because you'll be seeing some very expensive ones on this site, soon-like.

REGARDING MEGA M&MS
Pretty big, guys, but not necessarily huge. Not sure why you went to all the trouble, honestly, but I have no complaints. As you were.

REGARDING DINO-SOUR EGGS
I miss you.