Today was my last day working at a client's office for a freelance assignment. I spent it as I traditionally spend my last day in any office – by standing next to the snacks vending machine and whispering, "If you get those Teddy Grahams I'll crush your stupid head between my hands," to everyone who approached it.

Stupid Heads smashed today: 2.0. I mean business.

*****

Later tonight, during the Bush/Kerry debate, John Kerry made a point to tell America that his mother's last three words to him, from her hospital bed, were, "integrity, integrity, integrity." Pretty crazy, especially considering this amazing coincidnece: my grandmother's last three words to me were, "integrity, integrity, morphine."

Actually, that statement reminded me of this game my friend, Allison, plays all the time. It never fails to make me laugh, mostly because it's insanely stupid. The idea is that you pretend you're on your deathbed and you're delivering your last words to an assembled audience (of loved ones, generally). Allison would come up with a really important line she was just about to finish but then drops dead just before completing the thought. My favorite examples of hers were, "The treasure is buried in the – ack!" and "The smelliest one of you is – ack!" If you're playing at home, some other good examples might be:

• "When none of you were looking, I peed in the ––"
  
• "The combination to the vault at Candy Manor is 33-21-f ––"
  
• "If you want the cure to cancer, you'll have to fuck a ––"
  
• "Don't forget to TiVo ––"
  
• "You'll find my legal will in a bank safety deposit box under the name 'Diarrhea Q. Faggotbot' ––"
  
• "Billie Jean is not my ––"
  
• "I'd rather be ––"
  
• "I know what gender Jamie Lee Curtis was born. Come closer. Closer still....(fart sound)"
  
• "(fart sound, pause, very long fart sound)"