Hey, I'm in The Onion this week. How about that? Please note that I timed this appearance perfectly with the saddest, most pathetic entry in the history of this site. (see below, please.) I'll try to undo that maudlin wreck with extra hot pee jokes.

I would like to address something for a moment. My friend, Witold, took some very nice photographs of me so I could submit something to The Onion that didn't include me holding a 32 oz. beer cup or pressing my scrotum against the camera lens. Witold had very little to work with, as I'm not an easy subject, nor am I very pretty on film. He did a really nice job, though. The Onion, however, chose to crop the picture so that all remains is a gigantic, floating head. It kind of has that Wacky™ style to it, as a result – like this should be titled, "The Wonderfully Whimsical World of Todd Levin's Bean" and then my head is all unhinged and all sorts of funny things are popping out of it, like sheep and rubber chickens and question marks and airplane food trays and Mexican guys. I am assuming they did this to the photo because they hate Jews. However, after a good night's sleep I might have another explanation.

Here is the original photograph, which I am submitting only in tribute to Witold's hard work. Oh, and here is another. Also, pee.