I woke up angry this morning, because there are no time machines. It hardly seems fair anymore, really. I know there are no time machines because, as a friend once pointed out, if time travel were ever possible everyone would already own a time machine. Someone would have already traveled into the distant pace, from possibly even the far-distant future, and revealed the technology.

That means by now, Nerf would be making time machines and there would be an entire cable network dedicated to time travel. There would be shows in which obnoxious 20-somethings would travel back or forward in time and try to prank famous people. For instance, maybe the time traveling pranksters would make a fake loch ness monster and hide in it while George Washington was crossing the Delaware. They'd let it surface right before he arrived on shore, and scare the lumber-teeth out of him. Then they'd all jump out of the bushes and shout, "You've been Time-X'd, faggot!" Of course, if my friend's theory held true, Washington and his soldiers would also possess a time machine and could then travel back in time, to when the Time-X pranksters were setting up their fake loch ness monster, and shoot them all with muskets.

Perhaps there would be another reality-based show featuring hockey players using the Stanley Cup as a time machine. They would travel back in time to show how the Stanley Cup trophy was being defaced and defiled by previous Stanley Cup winners. It would be an incredible and disgusting historical travelogue.

If I had a time machine – and I don't, just in case you're still curious about the disappointed hue to this writing – I think it would be very funny to travel back in time just to finish other people's sentences. My first stop would be Gettysburg, for certain. I would just love to stand in the gathered audience for Lincoln's address and, as he intones, "Four score –" I would just jump in and scream, "and seven years ago! Yeah, we know when our fathers brought forth this nation. We're not fucking idiots. Proceed!"