Since the inception of the first Patriot Act, over 18 months ago, I've begun playing this curious game with myself. What words, transmitted through my personal emails, will raise red flags with our government and cause them to generate a file on me? Stab? Bomb? Holy Terror? Zionist? Beard? Junior Bush? Scud? Bud the C.H.U.D.? Dracula Powder? Allah #1? It's hard to know.

Now that the government has revamped its old, far too permissive efforts, and passed Patriot Act II (which allows federal agents to deny any information about the nature of the arrest to captured suspects. no one has to know their rights, or their wrongs, now.) I wonder if they've gone through and added more "red flag" words to monitor potential terror or dissent in our correspondences? Like "Michael Moore", "Dixie Chicks", "Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences", "Wavy Gravy", "sandals", "liberal arts", "falafel", "ambivalent", "worried", "I hope my boy is safe", "dove", "small world", and "croissant."

I will say this. I'm glad our current Executive cabinet is DOMINATED by older men, because there's no way women could seriously consider cool names like "Operation Enduring Freedom", "Decaptitation Attack" (LIU KANG WINS - DECAPITATION ATTACK!), "bunker buster", "Operation Liberty Shield", and "Molly Hatchet." Female military officials would ruin our bloodlust instantly with campaigns like "Barbie's Dream War", "Unicorns are for Real", and "How the U.S. Got Its Groove Back." FELLAS, AM I RIGHT????