President Bush? Can you hear me? Oh wait - ALLAH IS AWESOME. Now I know you're listening.

Hi. I saw your picture today, on CNN. You looked really happy, in your honorary military flight jacket, rallying the troops at Mayport Naval Air Station. Man, are you ever ready for a fight. That jacket looks neat on you - just like Top Gun. Remember how great that movie was? Didn't it make you want to join the Air Force? Yeah, me too.

Anyway, I was just thinking. You've been going to town lately, calling France and Germany huge pussies. And then today you insinuated that the UN's lack of support behind the war - your war - rendered the peace-keeping organization "irrelevant," an "instutition for debating." I know action = war and I think that's just GREAT.

But here's the thing: could you ease up just a little? I mean, I know it's important that people keep hearing about weird jeeps or mysterious rooftops or an audio tape which just surfaced and inconclusively links Osama Bin Laden to Iraq (but not iraq to osama). But I think you need to see it from my perspective, as challenging as that may be for you. It's very easy for you to tell the UN they have no backbone, or to purse your lips and bully nations like France and Germany and Iraq and Korea (oh, and Russia and maybe even Afghanistan still). And do you want to know why? You have military helicopters on the roof of your house, and missiles in your backyard, pointed up at the threatening skies. Me? I've got some duct tape and a couple of extra cans of Sir Chomps-a-Lot pasta shapes. And that's pretty much the same situation most Americans are in right now, I'm afraid.

I'll bet you wish you'd known it was going to be like this from the very beginning, didn't you? (you didn't know, did you? tell me.) That way you could have used those $300 checks you gave us to buy little missiles for every American home. Then you could shoot your mouth off without worrying about your approval rating dropping slightly below Hitler's in 1944.

Thanks!