Oops. It seems my web host did something unspeakable that cost me to lose two very long entries for this site. If you stare at the web endlessly, you might have seen at least one of them up yesterday afternoon and evening. However, they're gone now and I'm not sure daddy's ever coming back.

I feel especially lousy, because I sent a puffy-chested email out to my mailing list, touting the return of "proper" writing to this site, in place of promotions about upcoming shows and meandering apologies. Now, to many, it might have seemed like a cruel grift, a sting for hits.

Maybe those entries will return. Maybe they won't. There's some cold comfort for you. And here's a story:

Last night, because I'm clearly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I rented Undercover Brother. The video store clerk, who was highly goth, with spiked choker and white pancake makeup, inspected the tape and deadpanned, "that's a bad movie." I agreed, and promised I'd only be using it to punish myself for cruelties toward others. Then she informed me that I had a late fee on another rental. I almost stopped myself from asking more, and I should have. But I didn't.

"Oh really? Which movie?"
"Triple X."
"Oh God."
"That's a bad movie, too."

Here. Take all my money and try to forgive me. I actually wanted her to reach back in my records, way back to a time when I rented respectable titles from sections other than NEW RELEASES. But that was a long time ago, and the trail leading to those titles was bloody and stupid. It would mean re-visiting Bride of Chucky and The First $20 Million is the Hardest and Blood Work even Jason X. It could potentially blind the poor clerk before she ever had a chance to see Charade or Beijing Bicycle, so it wasn't really worth it. I felt ashamed and crazy, stupid and speechless all at once. (hey - i think i just rented Speechless a few weeks ago.) I was completely disarmed by her observation, and the judgement that surely followed it.

When I stepped outside, I finally thought of what I could say in response. "Well, I'm so sorry I didn't rent Interview with a Vampire, Dracula-face!" Of course, it was too late to go back in there and say any of this - I was several blocks away by now - but that didn't stop me from running back in there and saying it anyway, completely out of breath. I wiped the cold-weather snot from my nose with the Undercover Brother box, twirled on my heel, and made a cool exit. And it would have been even cooler had I not knocked over a large display of cellular phones on my way out.