I just woke up from a fitful dream - as evidenced by the tremendous saliva stain on my sheets and the hollowed-out dog carcass from which I emerged, much to my surprise, when my alarm clock sounded - and I'm afraid I have some bad news. In my dream I killed love. So if you wake up today and notice the sleeping person lying next to you looks like an idiot when he/she sleeps, or you gradually pick up on other small nuisances throughout the day and each one seems to grow progressively more noteworthy - like their bare feet on the edge of the coffee table or a stray pubic hair nestled in the anti-perspirant or their big stupid face everywhere you look - well, that's my fault. I'm sorry.

There's good news, however: it seems unconditional love remained unscathed, as did the sincerity in those I HEART NY and I HEART MY BORDER COLLIE t-shirts and bumper stickers. So now would be a good time to call your legal guardian or adopt a bunny. Hang in there.