DOES THAT MAKE ME GAY?

[ESTABLISHED 1999 B.M. - before 'metrosexual']
I have collected an embarassing wealth of evidence that I find, frankly, a bit disturbing. By fate or nurture or genetics or steadfast repression I remain completely heterosexual. I love the ladies and, thanks to post-hypnotic suggestion, they love me right back. But it has been brought to my attention that on first impressions (and, sometimes, the fifty or sixty follow-up impressions) I might strike others as a bit, um, gay.

I realize it's extremely fashionable to be gay these days. One would need to look no further than hit shows like Will and Grace or the openly gay music of Whitney Houston and Sisqo to feel the impact gay artists have had on mainstream culture. And I don't mean to hitch my trailer to this global gay embrace, but reason to believe I'm being unfairly outed by friends and strangers each and every day.

I decided to do a little soul-searching on the subject, and tried to see myself from the outside for a moment. But I quickly became bored and sleepy, then restless and a bit hungry so I ate some Fiddle Faddle (with almonds) and sat down to write this. And, in writing this, I have pieced together some things I know about myself which may (or may not) contribute to occasional (unfair) speculation about my sexual orientation. Either way, I know I'm not gay. (please note the last-minute, obviously paranoid disclaimer typical of a closeted homosexual.) Nonetheless, it seems the evidence is mounting.

• DOES THAT MAKE ME GAY? A CAT'S TALE
• READ THE ORIGINAL 'DOES THAT MAKE ME GAY' FILES